Finally. That’s the thought that came to my head, someone has finally said it. Today the future begins; a future where we are free from the delusions of a dysfunctional (Big) society. MP Paul Flynn stood up, looked the world in the eye and laid down some truth; all MPs have sexual magnetism. It speaks volumes that it has taken so long for society to produce a man, no more than that, an MP, who can speak the truth and this is a huge day for the country, if not the world. These are the sparks which light the fire of truth, away from the bullshit and delusion. Today we come to terms with one of the nation’s most obvious unspoken truths, who knows what tomorrow may bring, maybe David Milliband will call a press conference to rant at the Labour party members for choosing that spoiled little brat of a brother of his. Maybe Cameron will finally admit that hug a hoodie wasn’t the best of PR stunts to instigate when you’re trying to crack down on sexual offenders. Give it a month, maybe two, and maybe, just maybe, Douglas Hogg will admit that he didn’t really, ‘believe that my claims fell clearly within the scope of the rules’ and had drunkenly bet Prescott in an act of retaliatory party warfare that having an affair was nothing and that he was going to get away with building a moat. A mo.ther.fucking.moat.
As close as they may be these are just still hopes and dreams, and why chase dreams when you have such glorious reality. So let us return to the matter of MPs sexual magnetism. There are those who say that Paul Flynn looks like Rolf Harris from an alternative dimension where he choose the heroin over Animal Hospital, but most of their names rhyme with envy and jealous. Ever since he slipped onto the bench in that classic £99 Marks & Spencer suit he’s had Russell Brand quaking in his knee-length boots. Women love nothing more than a man who spends all day shouting juvenile insults across a room about trival matters such as nuclear war, recessions and poverty. They crave a man who will do everything in his power to screw over a peer with a different coloured tie even if it means throwing a shit sandwich at the public. And the constituency meet and greets, oh my, they go weak at the knees at the glitz of it all. Those aren’t Lidl cocktail sausages love, that’s Iceland own brand right there.
But maybe we should all hold back a bit, however joyous this situation may be I cannot help noticing Paul Flynn’s statement: “I find it totally mysterious myself… but there is this attraction.” Take a good long hard look at yourself Britain, this is what you’ve created, a man who can only admit the truth behind the cover of lies and delusion. Personally, I am inclined to believe that he is just a truly humble soul, he is an MP after all, the highest order of integrity and nobility in the known universe. But there are those who will say he is a man still cowering in a shadow of a society that despises the truth and punishes free speech. I mean just look at what we did to poor Murdoch! We bayed for his blood when all he tried to do was give us the truth at any means, means that the government understood in such a profound way that we could not, with a level of respect so high they even tried to put one of the key players, Andy Coulson, in a position where he could help us in an even more direct fashion. A joyous day it is yes, but if we want this to become a great day in history then we have to take action, cover ourselves in petrol and dive headfirst into the sparks. We have to admit that it isn’t those irresistibly sexy MPs that are wrong with this country, it’s us Britain… It’s us.
And just to be clear for those of you who think Have I Got News For You is just a really shit Newsnight… Paul Flynn is a dick.